Of Dreams and Cake
by Tsiuq
Summary: Team 7 friendship. Sakura saves Naruto from a nightmare and Kakashi learns too much. A oneshot. In retrospect, this will be where I put all my Naruto oneshots. currently being renovated.
1. Chapter 1

Of Dreams and Cake

Team 7 friendship. Sakura saves Naruto from a nightmare and Kakashi learns too much. A oneshot by yours electronically.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything Naruto related.

Sakura woke to a whimper. Her eyes flashed to the sleeping form of the Uchiha. He was scowling in his sleep. '_Typical. But that leaves…_' Naruto's face was contorted with fright. It looked so out of place on the normally hyperactive nin. Her brows creased in worry, Sakura reached out and placed her hand upon Naruto's forehead. Slowly, he relaxed, a serene smile growing upon his features. '_It doesn't take much to make him happy_' Inner Sakura just grinned lewdly. '_Shut up_.'

"A-ri-ga-to" The sound startled Sakura back to reality. She smiled gently at the sleeping blonde. Leaning down, she whispered, "You're welcome." Hesitantly the girl removed her hand. When this elicited no response, she lay back down and dropped off into a dreamless slumber.

--

Katon! Sakura awoke to the sound of a fireball impact. Groggily exiting the tent, the first thing she saw was Sasuke, proudly standing over newly lit fire. Normally the sight of Sasuke would brighten her day, but this morning she merely smirked at him.

"Good job Sasuke-kun. You didn't burn down our tent like the other two." The Uchiha scowled at her, but said nothing. Naruto chose that moment to stumble out of the tent, yawning. Squinting blearily, he noticed someone was missing.

"Where's Kakashi-sensei?" Sakura sighed. "Like always, he's late. " Team seven settled around the fire, drowsily gazing into the flames. Shaking her head to remove the stupor, curiosity got the better of Sakura. "Hey Naruto, what were you dreaming about last night?" The ninja in question blushed slightly.

"I walking in Konoha. Then Kyuubi attacked. He was smashing homes and killing my friends. I tried to defend everybody, but he swept me aside with one of his tails. As he was turning to eat me, an angel appeared out of nowhere. She kissed my forehead and everything went white. When I could see again, everything was back to normal." Then he scowled. "I was about to eat ramen when I woke up. Talk about bad timing."

At the mention of a kiss, Sakura smiled slightly, and laughed aloud at the end of the story. "What'd the angel look like?" Sakura asked out of a sort of morbid curiosity. Knowing Naruto, it could have been anything. "She was really beautiful…" He scowled in concentration. "Now that I think about, she looked a lot like the ramen girl." '_Of course. Whoever serves him ramen is an angel to him.'_

Their conversation was interrupted by a poof.

"Yo."

Sasuke was the first to react. "So where's breakfast?"

"I gave it to a starving family I met on the road."

"LIAR!" Kakashi winced at the stereo yell. "And so today's training will be surviving in a foreign city. It is important that you complete each task as discretely as possible. Sasuke, you are to obtain lodgings." The prodigy stoically nods. "Sakura your task is to obtain food." "Yes, Kakashi-sensei." "And Naruto… you go with Sasuke."

"But Kakashi-sensei!! I'm really good at getting food!"

"Really."

"Yes! Tons of strangers gave me food in Konoha! I used my sexy-no-jutsu with clothes and I even got food from you!" Kakashi's eyes widened in horror.

"Wait… YOU'RE Toruna?"

"But why did you give me chocolate cake all the time?"

The End.

AN: I realize Sakura is a bit OOC, but I found the idea of Sasuke accidentally burning down both sakura and Naruto's tents funny.


	2. Sleeping Casanova

SasuNaru, Naruto hits on people in his sleep.

Disclaimer: I own Naruto not.

"Sasuke!"

The avenger's eyes snapped open. Quickly assessing the situation, he concluded that Sakura woke him early for some unfathomable, and no doubt pink laced reason.

"You've got to see this!"

"Hn." Old faithful works every time.

"Naruto hits on people while he sleeps!"

Now this, this might be worth being woken up before sunrise.

But wait… "How did you find out?"

"I couldn't sleep one night. While I was walking, I found him asleep at Ichiraku's."

"Alright. Let's go." Sasuke sprang out of bed and through the open window. 'Good thing I sleep in the next day's clothes. Those pervy fan girls are annoying enough, but I doubt I could get Sakura out of my bedroom conscious.' Silently landing a block from the ramen shop, the dark haired nin stealthily crept upon the slumbering ramen addict. Sakura joined him a minute later. Sasuke reminded himself to check his underwear drawer.

"Hey Naruto." Sakura casually sat down next to the teen. "Sakura, your eyes are a… genjitsu I cannot …fight." Naruto huskily breathed. "Baby, you can hold… my kunai anytime." Sakura was visibly shaking from holding in the laughter. "Your… presence blinds me… like the light from Lee's teeth."

Sakura walked over to Sasuke. "Your turn." she said with a mischievous grin. Raising an eyebrow, Sasuke sat down on the warm seat. "…Dobe."

"Oh Sasuke, don't… hold back. I know you… want me. Remember… our first kiss? I felt … your tongue on my lips… you naughty boy." Sakura blushed at the memory and the additional information. "I… can feel your… sinful gaze on my butt every… time I walk by you." Sakura carefully pinched her nose. Sasuke raised his eyebrows. "The dobe is more observant than I thought."

Sakura passed out from blood loss.


	3. Chapter 3

Drawing and Distortions

ShikaIno, Team 7 madness.

The bushes rustled. Shikamaru cracked open an eye. He was greeted by the sight of the silver haired jonin of team seven. "What are you doing here?" the Nara drawled. By the look of it, Kakashi had been running since noon. The sun set an hour ago.

"Naruto found my drawings of Sakura."

"…Why should that matter?" The question was almost rhetorical, considering the sensei's personality.

"Sakura sleeps in her underwear."

"Aa." Aside from being interesting information, it cleared up all confusion. Shikamaru could almost see what occurred when Kakashi showed up late for training. An irate kunoichi, a drooling and bruised jinchuriki, and a conflicted avenger.

Kakashi's mask twisted a bit, hiding a wicked grin. "I wish I could have seen Sasuke's face when he saw my drawings. It would have been _priceless_." A contemplative silence stretched between the two lazy nin. Reclining, Kakashi looked up… at tree leaves. "Why are _you here? _You can't see the clouds." Shikamaru sighed in frustration. "Ino."

"What happened?"

"It went like this:"

………………………………_..._

_Ino and Shikamaru were walking to their homes from training. Ino was unusually quiet, and kept glancing everywhere as they passed through the market. Then she suddenly stopped and gave out a wistful sigh. Shikamaru followed her gaze and found the village heartthrob, grocery shopping. For tomatoes, it seemed. _

"_His butt is soooo cute." Ino hungerly breathed, blushing slightly. Out of curiosity, the genius focused his gaze upon the aforementioned body part. After a moment, he murmured to his teammate, "I have to agree. If that was on a girl, it would be cute."_

_Ino's eyes widened and her smile acquired a demonic aspect. "You'd go gay for Sasuke-kun?!" Shikamaru's social life flashed before his eyes. Before he could protest, Ino was off like a shot in the direction of the Haruno household. The rest of that day was filled with blushing girls asking if it was true. After the umpteenth skeptical look, the nin was sick of girl-kind._

………………………………...

"You know, I believe I have the solution to your problem." Shikamaru looked up questioningly. "Get Ino in public, then ravage her." Kakashi nodded to himself. Shikamaru twitched. "Kakashi…"

"I mean kiss her. Um. Passionately. Yes." The twitching stopped, and in its place was a thoughtful expression.

"That… could work."

"So, genius-san, do you have a solution for me?"

"Just draw Sasuke after a shower and give it to Sakura."

Kakashi raised his visible eyebrow. "… You sure you're not gay for him?"

Shikamaru sighs. "Yes, I'm sure. I just know more than I want."

When the dusk had fallen, our two unfortunates returned home, or in one case, the Uchiha complex.

………………………………...

"Kakashi! You're late!" Ah, angry in stereo.

"I got lost in an artistic endeavor."

"LIAR!"

"Not this time. See?" The silver-haired nin proudly brandished a drawing of a dripping Sasuke clad only in a towel. Sakura's eyes glazed over, and her nose bled a small trickle. Sasuke wore much the same expression as the day before. Naruto's eyes widened in horror. "You're gay for Sasuke!"

Kakashi sweat dropped.

………………………………...

Shikamaru was unusually quiet. Well, he didn't mutter "troublesome" as much. In the middle of the market, he took a deep breath and stopped. "Ino." The girl turned and looked at him questioningly. Shikamaru placed his hands on her shoulders. Taking another deep breath, he firmly pressed his lips against hers. Muffled sounds of protest gradually ceased as Ino's knees buckled. Pulling away from Ino, Shikamaru was surprised to find the girl had fainted. He smirked at the shocked impromptu audience. Then he realized he had to carry Ino to her home. Slinging the girl over his shoulder, he muttered "Troublesome."


	4. Chapter 4

'_Clouds are nice.'_ Shikamaru decided after a moment of reflection. This was not the first time he had thought of this, nor would it be the last. That thought, and the attending activity, or inactivity, is the only thing that keeps him sane. Every mission he must dwell upon the dance of death, the roiling sea of possibilities that is combat between ninja. Like a strategically Moses, the shadow-nin must find a path of dry ground through the blood red sea, in which he and his teammates can emerge alive. So it should come as no surprise that he needs serenity more than the average nin. This very serenity was broken by the very undignified sound of a grown man giggling. Shikamaru scowled at the silver haired man resting in his tree.

"You're in my tree." Kakashi looked down in mild surprise.

"You don't own it."

"For the past thirteen years of my life I have watched the clouds from under this tree. This _is_ my tree."

Kakashi seemed to smirk. No one could tell for sure. "You know, I have been around longer than thirteen years. Me and this tree," He patted it fondly "we go way back."

'_Impossible! The thought of Kakashi and the tree…' _Shikamaru shuddered_. How could the tree allow such a thing? Couldn't it see the true nature of that jonin? _

"Maybe we could share the tree?" Kakashi's voice cut through the heated thoughts of the Nara.

Shikamaru was shocked._ 'Share the tree? The idea definitely bore the mark of the perverted copy-nin. But… it is an enticing idea. The tree seems fine with it…' _

"Alright. But please be quiet."

_-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

As night fell, the two arose and stretched stiff limbs. Kakashi dropped from the branches and crouched to start the rooftop jumping that is known as the "ninja highway".

"Well, I must get going. Early morning meetings are a hassle. "


	5. Chapter 5

Synthetic Orpheus

The roboticist typed rapidly on the worn keyboard. Every couple of minutes he'd glance at the screen, then the clock. Nine minutes until midnight, he hit the compile button and sagged back in his chair. A month of work was completed, and now he could rest.

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Sunlight filtered through a wide window. It rested upon the serene features of the sleeping, or perhaps dead. In time, the yellow room glowed with golden light. The door opened, and a dark haired man walked in. His long hair was tied back in a simple ponytail. Shikamaru smiled down upon the room's other occupant. He reached down and gently pulled the wires from the cranial port. The ear delicately clicked into place and the pale hand of the man smoothed back the blonde hair. The deceptively small frame took a shuddering breath, then she opened he blue eyes.

"Good morning, Ino."

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For a time, the house was alive again. They would talk, she would laugh. He painted landscapes, she whirled amid the flowers. He played violin or piano, she danced or sang. He cooked, she ate. One time she tried to cook, but the carbon mass that may have been a cake in an another life discouraged her. She declared it was the reincarnation of the fruitcake that killed Santa Claus. (She always was a little ridiculous.)

"Shika?"

"Yeah?"

"You got an e-mail from someone named Shino."

"What's it about?"

"A high school reunion. November third. You going?"

"Nah, too troublesome."

"Lazy."

"Yup."

Time passed.

"Maybe you should visit her grave."

Shikamaru briefly wondered how she found the old photo in the secret compartment of his sock drawer. (She was always good at finding secrets.) The point was moot; so he considered her suggestion. It had been years since he had last left his estate. In the end, he had to yield. Ino seemed sad, but it was not loss. It was pity.

The garage was dusty, and cluttered. From the door Shikamaru spied his faithful bicycle, the only transportation he really needed. As he pedaled to the graveyard, the man barely noticed the foliage pass by, leaves drifting down like drops of flame. The twenty seven year old man knelt before the gravestone. The lilies, he supposed, must have represented purity at some point. They lay upon the cold stone, plucked before their time.

Shikamaru rushed home. As he expected, Ino was in the middle of writing a note. She looked up when he entered, looking a little guilty, but determined.

"Why are you leaving?"

"Everything I do, everything I say hurts you. You don't see me; you see echoes of her. Return to the land of the living, Shikamaru. And don't look back."

She was the first one to explain to him why she left. The previous five androids had vanished without a note.

"Farewell, Ino. Thank you for telling me."

"Farewell, my Orpheus."

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The reunion, he decided, was a good mix of old and new. Shikamaru cradled his cup of punch in one hand and a plate of salad and little sandwich in the other. Then his eye caught on a waving arm. Weaving between clumps of people, he sat down in one of two empty chairs. Around the table sat the "Fated Couples", as the student body had referred to them. Hinata, still quiet, had acquired an aura of demureness. Naruto, no longer bouncing off the walls, still retained a peculiar intensity. Sakura contentedly rested her hands on the promising bulge of her stomach. Sasuke looked as cold as ever, except for the arm that possessively held his pregnant wife.

The pleasantries passed quickly enough, as did the collective reminiscing. Then Naruto leaned forward, gazing fixedly at the roboticist.

"So, Shikamaru. The Bastard and I have a project that could use your expertise. We were thinking about a museum of people. Like the wax museums of old, but you could talk to the people."

Sasuke interrupted curtly. "We need your help with the robots."

Shikamaru gazed upon their hopeful faces for a moment. "I've been meaning to get out more anyways."

He rose to shake the hands of his new business partners when… THWACK.

"Oh, hi Shikamaru. Didn't see you there."

He rubbed the back of his head, wincing.

"Good evening, Temari."

Eventually the empty seat was filled.


	6. Fruits Casket

Sakura hated alcohol, and, by extension, her apartment. A month had passed since the drunk driver had killed her parents, and now she was free to suffer the harsh winds of the world, prematurely taken from her nest. Her new home had exactly two rooms; a decrepit bathroom, stained by neglect and sullied by a previous occupant, who seemed to have missed the toilet every time, and a similarly ugly kitchen/living area. The stove required a degree in quantum physics to operate; due to a lack of traction with the dials, Sakura could never be sure if it was truly off, or just biding its time. The microwave, after she scraped the spattered inside with an industrial strength sponge, was the main means of culinary heating, despite harking from the middle ages, or maybe the 60's. The refrigerator must have been installed at the same time, and required a similar cleaning. For some reason, the freezer didn't work, but actually ran a little warmer than room temperature. The furniture Sakura had procured for herself, as the apartment lacked any of its own. The card table and two folding chairs were, appropriately, won in a poker game. The fold out couch was a lucky break for the orphan; a couple who had won the lottery gave it to her, and it had served as the main bed ever since. The lucky couple distributed their effects during a complex wide celebration, and currently dwelled in a house far, far away. For a closet, Sakura hung her clothes from the curtain rod of the window that looked out into the inner court of the complex. Zen Garden Apartments almost didn't pass the minimum requirements of humane living arrangements, but it was cheap, and thus a haven to high school dropouts and college losers.

It was an ugly morning. The ambient energy in the room had to be somewhere close to absolute zero, including the living occupant. For her part, the clothes she piled on herself in the stead of blankets shifted, adding insult to injury, fell to the floor. All that stood between Sakura and the frigid morning air was her pajamas (yellow with pink bunnies. I am woman, hear me ROAR.) and a thin coating of blouse and jeans. As the last defenses crumbled before the onslaught, Sakura groaned in awakening. In the zombie state, she snagged the blouse and jeans, and sighed. She hooked the underwear on the floor with her foot, kicked, and caught in one smooth motion, born from countless repetition.

The morning shower achieved what could only be described as a religious experience. After all scrubbing, shampooing, shaving, and rinsing had ended, she savored a few minutes of peace and warmth under the hot water.

Breakfast was some generic cereal; she never really cared what she had for breakfast, it never registered. When she dried the bowl, having rinsed it, she heard a dripping noise. Faucets: off. Shower: off. Ceiling? Crap. The large mixing bowl caught the fluid; she couldn't bring herself to call it water. The drip came from a huge bulge in the ceiling. A steak knife cut the cheap material, unleashing an unpleasant stream of brownish yellow that soon abated to a drip. Sakura left the bowl to catch whatever was left, and donned her winter coat. Her breath misted in the frosty air, as she hopped up the black iron stairs, careful to keep the slippers from coming off. She knocked on the door of her upstairs neighbor. No answer. Again. The same. She didn't expect it, but the knob turned easily. As she opened the door, a small wave of water surged around her slippered feet. Inside she saw an old hospital bed with a sleeping blonde guy in it. Her footsteps squished uncomfortably as Sakura strode to the comatose one. She shook his shoulder, eliciting a groan. The man fumbles for the alarm clock on the side table, eventually hitting the snooze, despite the fact that the alarm hadn't rung.

"Wake up. Your apartment's flooded."

The blonde shot up in bed.

"Oh crapohcrapohcrapcrapcrap!"

He jumped out of bed and rushed to the bathroom. Sakura followed out of a sort of morbid curiosity.

"Bastard! Get out of my tub!"

She heard the bath faucet turned off, and another person's groans. She was greeted by two, admittedly hot, guys, one soaked and grumpy, his ebon tresses plastered to his head, but the effect was ruined by the fact that he was heaving into a toilet. The blonde needed a haircut, and probably had for the past year. He wore a tunic-like shirt, burnt orange, with tan slacks. The soaked guy sported a blue button down and black jeans. Sakura backed away into the kitchen, soon followed by the brothers hungover. Naruto set about making coffee, while Sasuke hunted for aspirin.

"Wild night, huh?"

Naruto chuckled ruefully.

"Something like that. Poor little Sasucakes couldn't hold his alcohol at the family reunion."

"That punch was spiked. With 100 proof moonshine."

"I should know. Cost me a bundle."

"…That was you? You're lucky I'm hungover and you're making coffee."

Naruto smiled at Sakura as Sasuke collapsed in a chair.

"What brings you to our humble abode, and how can I keep you here?"

"Your apartment urinated on mine."

Naruto winced. "We're sorry about that. Aren't we, Sasuke?"

"Hn." came the grunt from the mess known as Sasuke.

"I guess I should count myself lucky." Sakura said. "How do you stand living here with a roommate? My place is small enough to give me claustrophobia."

"It's not so bad. Princess is usually out most of the day, and we can afford to heat the place quite nicely."

"I noticed. Say, what's your name? I don't think we've met before."

"Naruto Uzumaki. The bastard here is Sasuke Uchiha."

"Sakura Haruno. Any chance you could pipe some heat to my apartment?"

"Unless you want to knock a hole in your ceiling…"

"Ah. After today's adventure, I'd rather not."

The coffee maker chimed. Sasuke flashed to the pot, mug caught in a shaky death-grip. Naruto opened the cabinet doors and called over his shoulder, "May I interest you in a cup coffee?"

"Why thank you. Don't mind if I do."

The trio observed a moment of silence for the sacrifice of the coffee beans, or they just drank it slowly. It was at this point that Sasuke revived.

"I'm going to change."

"Oh God no!"

Naruto curled up in a fetal position, rocking back and forth.

"Very funny, moron."

Sasuke pulled a shirt and pants at random from a wheeled clothing rack. From under his bed (across from Naruto's) he pulled some miraculously dry boxers. The bathroom door slammed shut. Naruto slipped into the only other chair at the table.

"Is he ever… happy?"

"I don't think so. I've only ever seen him smile once, and the dentist had some equipment for that. It was the scariest thing I have ever seen."

"I bet." Sakura leaned against the stove, then glanced at the sink across from her. It was piled high with plates, pans, and assorted utensils and containers.

"This really is a bachelor pad."

"Hey, normally we're much better at staying clean. Although the Bastard's the one that actually cares."

"I'll have you know my bloodline is completely legitimate and respectable, moron."

Sasuke was back, fiddling with a daggerish letter opener. He turned a chair around backwards and straddled it.

"What?" Naruto squinted in confusion.

"You should pay more attention to what you say, idiot."

"You called him an illegitimate child."

"Ah, intelligent conversation." sighed Sasuke. "How I have missed thee."

"Hey! I talk to you everyday! And Kakashi's a writer."

"Kakashi writes smut."

"…That explains the uncomfortable feeling when he asks about how my dates go."

Someone knocked on the door. Naruto grunted as he rose from his seat. He crossed the pathetically small distance to the door and opened it.

"You got water on my apartment."

"You got apartment on my water. Two great tastes in one candy bar."

"Speak of the devil." muttered Sasuke. Naruto returned to his seat, revealing a middle aged man, silver hair that was obviously cut without help, and maybe a mirror. He was tall, and somewhat thin, achieving a lanky grace as he pulled Sasuke's bed over and sat. When he looked up, he espied a wary Sakura.

"Oh, you found some material for me? How nice of you two."

Sasuke caught the letter opener by the handle and pointed it at the writer.

"Stay away. I need an ally against the stupid."

"Whatever you say… _kitty_."

Sasuke's face lost what color it had.

"Kitty?" asked Sakura.

Sasuke poofed into an irritable black cat. Sakura glanced at her coffee uneasily. Naruto put a hand over his mouth.

"You just had to do something like that, didn't you, dog?"

Kakashi was rather smug.

"I'm going to get my material one or another, fox."

Sasuke glared at the two men as only cats can.

"You're going to pay for this, old man. In blood."

Kakashi tossed a small bag at the cat.

"I prefer catnip. It's cheaper."

Soon enough, Sasuke was rather intoxicated and quite adorable. Sakura took another sip of coffee. For good measure, she said, "Dog, fox."

'_Oh yes. This is going to be fun.' _

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_AN: _This started off as a fruits basket-esque take of naruto, with her moving into a mansion and everything. but that first line sort of caught me. And the stove? I had one just like it in college. The burners weren't bad, but the oven was scary in a russian roulette sort of way. Baking cookies became a life-threatening proposition. Didn't stop me though.

I am currently juggling _Spoons_, a Evangelion story in ancient greece, and trying to decide whether or not to make a "The demon in Naruto is a pink bunny that likes looking at boys" story into a multi-chapter, or part of this collection. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

ja ne.


	7. Garden

Hanabi sat in a garden, deep in the Hyuuga estate. Her kimono was elegantly arrayed around her, much like the wings of a wasp that flutter with grace sufficient to make one forget the stinger, despite its cruel poison. Her face however, was not the mask of indifference so many of both houses saw. She was openly admiring her cousin, recently returned from a mission. The pool of water (a pond is too common for a Hyuuga's garden) did not ripple, even though he was practicing the various high and jumping kicks that Hiashi had begun to teach him. His voice did not stutter nor pause except as was natural for the conversation. He was doing quite well for someone who had only recently received a leg injury.

"… and so it has never been proven if I am more agile than Lee-san, because the Hokage has denied my request for admittance into one of the s-ranked training areas."

"Hm. Maybe when you reach jonin. That should be soon, don't you think?"

Neji's foot came to a sudden stop on the branch overhanging the pool, without disturbing a single leaf. It continued its serene rest as he released the chakra holding him to it.

"I imagine so. Though I do wonder if he will reach that far… I suppose it is my duty to see that he does."

She absently noted the dip in the surface of the water where he had landed.

"It is fitting that the Hyuuga should lead, even in sculpting a rival to prove yourself against."

Hanabi was mildly concerned that her cousin wasn't all there at the moment; he was paler than usual and staring at something that was clearly not there, as she could not see it. What came next confirmed her suspicion. Her cousin held out his hand to the empty space beside the pool.

"Ino, join marz."

And with that, he collapsed. Hanabi rose with a sigh. The waves on the pool raised and lowered her as she walked upon them, the hem of her robe ghosting over the once-still waters. A minor Suiton jutsu brought her cousin to the surface and expelled the fluid that dared to enter his lungs. The bandages on his leg now held equal amounts blood and water, his strenuous movement most likely having opened the wound. For all her delicacy, she did not flinch from picking up the wet and bloody body as she called the family physician. The ruining of silk garment is easily worth the opportunity to support her hero. When it came time to become clan head, she would not forget the terrible irony of a branch member that is exemplary in all things Hyuuga. Indeed, she already had foreordained him to be her councilor and sparring partner, as consort was impossible due to the unfortunate closeness of birth. Hanabi draped her cousin along the small bench with the same care that she had arrayed herself for this meeting. In the quiet moment before the physician's arrival, she knelt and played with his hair, as she had seldom opportunity to do so.

The pride of Hyuuga is great.

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AN: This came (more or less) from a dream, specifically the "Ino, join marz" bit. Is this a bad sign?


	8. Chapter 8

_AN:I was looking through some notebooks of mine, and found this. _

Sasuke never thought he could be tortured by Sakura. When they officially became an item, it became even more unlikely. One day, he got tired of all the duck butt comments and decided to have his hair cut. Knowing hair styling was serious girl and/or gay territory, he turned to his girlfriend.

"Take off your shirt."

"Sakura, I want my hair cut. I'm not trying to seduce you."

She rolled her eyes.

"Unless you want to be itching all day, remove your shirt."

"Ah."

Sasuke did notice, however, that Sakura's pupils had dilated, and that she was breathing slightly faster than normal.

The two were in Sakura's living room, with a metal folding chair between them. The first thing Sasuke noticed as he sat down was that the chair was _cold_. And the plastic cover thing Sakura draped around him? Also cold. She proceeded to tighten the cover around his neck and pin it in place. Sasuke was reminded of having to wear a tie as a child. His mother had cinched the cloth uncomfortably. He wondered if all women had a choking fetish, or if he was just unlucky.

The Uchiha bore all this with a stoic expression, or lack thereof. He had his pride to maintain, after all.

Spsh spsh spsh. Sakura sprayed his hair with water. And yes, that was cold too. She was happily combing out his hair when the first droplet fell on his nose. IT itched, but he ignored it. A second fell on his cheekbone, and trailed down to his chin. After the fourth droplet, he carefully stretched his arm out from under the cover, and wiped away the trails of water. Meanwhile, Sakura got out the scissors. She started from the side, carefully snipping around his ear. He made sure to be perfectly still; he liked having ears. She gradually moved towards the middle of his hair, and his bangs. She now stood in front of him, and he couldn't help but stare.

'_Why, hello there, Sakura's chest.'_

She occasionally shifted her weight as she snipped, increasing Sasuke's awareness of their proximity. He was distracted, however, when a tuft of hair fell spitefully upon his nose. He wiggled his nose as best as he could. No luck. He closed his eyes and carefully blew. The tuft flew off, but the itch remained. Internally sighing, he did his best to ignore it. Only then did he notice that Sakura had moved. His back suddenly felt warm, and the snipping noise continued from behind. He concluded Sakura was pressing her stomach against him in an unconscious shift to ease the strain of standing. He was surprised to find that he didn't mind the ordeal of hair cutting, and contented himself to revel in the warmth he felt. All too soon, Sakura stopped.

"Aaand we're done. Just let me get one thing."

Sakura scurried off somewhere. Sasuke sat impatiently. He couldn't reach the safety pin easily, and he'd rather not prick himself accidentally. Sakura came back with a vacuum. He raised an eyebrow when she detached the hose from the running machine. Without a warning, she applied the end to his head. It was… surprisingly pleasant. Sasuke almost purred at the sensation of the gentle pulling on his scalp. Once that was done, Sakura vacuumed the hair on the floor. At long last, she removed the pin and folded up the cover. Sasuke stretched, a little stiff from sitting so long.

"That wasn't so bad, was it?" Sakura asked.

Sasuke quirked the corner of his mouth up.

"Not completely."

He embraced the now surprised girl.

'_mmm, warm.'_

_AN: I may have a longer, unrelated fic thing in the works. it is about 3/5's done._


	9. Dei Vagi

Deity Emeritus

_AN: Historical places are mentioned with little regard to the passage of time or sequence of history. Please forgive me for not having a classical education._

Atlantis was sinking. Shikamaru lay asleep in a small fishing vessel, a glorified rowboat. He was awakened by the rocking of someone climbing in. Without opening his eyes, he murmured, "You broke an island."

Ino seemed a little uncomfortable, though from guilt or being in drenched clothes, it was hard to tell.

"It wasn't my fault! Anyone could have accidentally dropped explosives in an active volcano."

Shikamaru sighed.

"No, only you."

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As a goddess of luck, she was well worshipped. Ino just had a tough time separating the two kinds of luck. Her oracle slipped on a rug, knocked over her statue, whose impact shook a chandelier from the ceiling, killing the poor man. The week before he had found a stash of jewelry gathered by magpies.

Shikamaru wasn't worshipped as much as consulted in times of distress. He held great pools of knowledge, but was plagued (or so Ino says) by a sort of laziness unrivaled by that of mere men. His priests always arrived barely in the nick of time, and always out of breath. Many a city owed its survival to the strange little deeds the clergy did.

One day Ino, in her benevolence, blessed the nation that worshipped them with a year of unprecedented prosperity. Shikamaru could not prevent the vast army that conquered, not by sword and shield, but by culture and intermarriage. In time, their shrines were forgotten, and their followers turned to strange gods.

At first, Shikamaru was pleased. He was no longer pestered by the needy mortals, and could finally rest among the clouds.

Ino spent this same time throwing a tantrum. Heirs died in hunting accidents, swarms of locusts consumed swaths of crops, and the symbols of power the royalty had were gradually lost or stolen. The farmers rose in rebellion, as the royalty had obviously lost the Mandate of Heaven. Ino turned her back on a vast battlefield that once was a nation.

And so Shikamaru's troubles began.

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_Ino sat on a cloud._

"_Hey, Shika."_

_He pretended to be asleep, going so far as to snore occasionally. Ino pouted. A hailstone fell from a higher cloud, neatly hitting the slumbering god between the eyes. Shikamaru glared at her._

"_What." _

_It wasn't a question, but it was necessary for him to say something._

"_We're free now. So let's go see exciting places! Eat exotic food! Meet strange gods!"_

_Shikamaru closed his eyes._

"_Why."_

_Ino stared at him in surprise._

"_For fun, of course."_

_She proceeded to drag his cloud bed toward the horizon. He didn't bother resisting. In the centuries prior, Ino's influence created many of the calamities that Shikamaru's priests prevented. The gods themselves weren't enemies, more like the balancing forces of chaos and order. Only her antics could force Shikamaru to intervene in mortal affairs beyond the necessary minimum it took to maintain a clergy._

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Ino shivered in her wet, colorful robes. Shikamaru carefully rowed once, hard. The boat shot across the waves, until it settled in the bath of a particularly strong current. Ino's clothes hissed, steaming, until the edges were black from the heat. Shikamaru, somehow gave the impression of inquisitiveness without moving a muscle. Ino shook her damp hair.

"I figure if I curse my clothes slightly, the good luck will happen later, instead of the other way around."

"You've learned."

"I had to when I wanted revenge on those who rule our homeland. So where are we going, Shikamaru?"

Ino lay alongside her fellow god, who shrugged.

"Somewhere. I don't feel like knowing right now."

"Slacker."

"Yes?"

"Never mind."

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They had spent a year at Atlantis. She played with some of the inventors, poking them when it got boring. Until the day of sinking, this is what had captured her attention, and thus she had not seen Shikamaru until she was in the boat with him.

"What did you do, Shikamaru?"

He pretended to nap. Ino pressed on.

"Normally you try to stop me from accidentally bring apocalypse."

He sighed.

"I saved the important people, and sent them out in boats."

Ino cocked her head to the side.

"But most of the government was lost in the blast, or the wave of lava."

"Exactly. Though they may not know it, the inventors and architects will be my disciples, bringing science and logic to the world. Then _maybe_ mankind will let me rest.

"Mankind? We lost our only believers long ago."

Shikamaru shook his head, the shortest arc that could still indicate disagreement.

"Listen."

Ino paused. There was a muted hum, barely discernable, but growing stronger. Suddenly, the recognition startled her.

"They're praying to me… but their not saying my name right."

"You have many names, goddess. Did they not call you Inspiration in Atlantis? It may be that at home they knew your true name, but you are worshipped by all."

"Aw, you know how to make a girl feel appreciated."

"Yes, I do."

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A figure stared out to sea. His blind eyes followed the trajectory of a foreign boat. His long, dark hair did not drift, flutter, nor bend before the ocean breeze. The white of his half tunic was nearly blinding, the black of his sarong rivaled the void between the stars. The dockhands unconsciously avoided him. The crowded dock, despite the number of vessels awaiting resupply, held one mooring available, beside which the figure stood. In time the Atlantian fishing boat drifted to a stop before this singularity. Ino jumped out, ignoring the laws of inertia, and the inconvenience it caused her companion, who found himself and the boat three feet from the dock.

"Hi there! I'm Ino, goddess of chance. Who are you?"

The stoic god sniffed, either out of pride or the smell of saltwater that had dried into her clothes.

"I am Neji, and I hold sway over the hearts of the superior ones of mankind. Why have you intruded in my domain?"

Ino stretched, more out of unthinking imitation of the humans that out of any actual discomfort of her body.

"I lost my people, so me and Shikamaru over there are sightseeing."

Neji raised an eyebrow at the rather unremarkable god that was Ino's companion and victim.

"Is he your servant? A prophet to turn the hearts of a new nation?"

With each word, the blind god's countenance took on a deeper expression of Ire, barely contained by courtesy and the desire not to make a mistake.

"Him? Naw, he's just a fellow wandering deity."

She leaned in close to Neji's ear and whispered, _"He knows everything."_

Shikamaru, meanwhile, had gotten out onto the dock and now glared at the boat reproachfully. In apology, it seemed, the boat sank.

"Of course he does."

Ino didn't understand why he didn't believe her, but it did not matter.

"Ya got anything cool around here? Abysses, floating cities, demigod children?"

Neji grew cold.

"I would never debase myself with these _mortals._ "

The word, laden with such scorn as only a god can bestow, froze the workers for a moment.

"I may have something that would interest you. One of my followers has been working on it for some time now."

Abruptly, he turned and strode away, not caring or noticing if they followed or not. Ino grabbed her victim's arm.

"Come on, Shika, let's go! I have a good feeling about this."

He groaned, but followed.

"Troublesome."

The tower held a prominent place in the city, built of polished granite, already higher than any other edifice. Neji stood proudly before it, recognizing it as a temple to him, though the man who commissioned it paid but lip service to the deity. Ino gasped in delight.

"What a remarkable building! It's a miracle it doesn't topple over under its own weight."

Shikamaru gave her a warning glance.

"What? I'm not going to do anything, I promise."

"It's an attempt to reach the realm of the gods." He said. "Such things are doomed to fail."

They noticed that Neji appeared to be bothered by something.

"Hey, blind boy. Fancy meeting you here."

Or someone.

Neji scowled in the direction of an approaching plain-faced goddess, her hair tied up in twin buns. Where his clothing was stark, black and white, hers was earthy, like that of cream and topsoil. Ino nudged the blind god.

"Why don't you introduce us?"

With much reluctance, he set his face in a mask of politeness.

"This is the usurper, Tenten. Tenten, these are wanderers in our realm, Ino and Shikamaru."

Tenten gave them a warm smile and a firm hand shake.

"Nice to meet you. If yall don't mind me askin, what did ya do?"

"She sank an island."

"Shika!"

He shrugged.

"It's true."

Ino shok her head. "I deal with luck, and that slacker is a know-it-all." She paused for effect. "Literally."

Tenten raised her eyebrows, but didn't comment.

"My children see the world as it really is." Then her expression grew menacing. "Don't even think about tryin' anything, or I'll have your guts for garters."

Neji rolled his eyes.

"Tenten, they're called followers, not children, and what would you know about garters?"

She winked at him.

"Come to my realm sometime, honey, and you'll find out."

Neji shuddered.

"Shameless woman."

She laughed at his discomfort. Ino nudged her partner.

"Ne, Shika, what do they do?"

"Neji has dominion over the prideful, and Tenten the humble."

Shikamaru looked at the tower with misgiving.

"Ino, we have to leave. Now."

"What? No, we just got here, and I haven't talked to Tenten properly. It'd be nice to talk to another girl every now and then, not that you'd understand."

She punctuated her refusal with a stomp of her foot. There was a loud booming crack, then the ground shuddered, crevices forming at various points.

"Oops." Ino said, in quiet realization. Shikamaru sighed, then half-dragged the startled goddess away, a cloud of dust and pebbles flying in his wake. The two native deities slipped into their respective realms.

The tower, that sacrilegious monstrosity, fell, and great was the fall thereof. The dust cloud enveloped the foreign gods, choking mortals and irritating those of a higher plane. Shikamaru sighed.

"Yes, I would understand. When will _you_ understand that I truly know everything?"

Ino barely paid attention, her eyes wide in wonder and childish glee.

"That was great and terrible!"

Shikamaru's glare cut through the rising dust.

"Okay, I know it was bad, but come on. You cannot deny how cool that was! Anyways, the tower was totally asking for it."

Neji warped into being in front of Ino, a personage of wrath.

"Every soul I own shall know you only as Disaster, shall only fear you, and you shall have no power to answer their prayers. Though you be divine, you shall be cursed. Though you be immortal, you shall be dead to me and mine. I have let you into my domain, and thus I thrust you out."

Before she could protest, his will banished her to the very outmost of his influence. Shikamaru nodded in respect before he was likewise banished.

"Impressive speech, though I doubt you will fufill half of it."

Neji scowled in the settling dust.

"Come to gloat, mistress of the meek?"

"Afraid not. We both lost those of our fold this day. Though I will gain much, I do not like this sort of victory."

"Save your words for the sermon, I have lost my greatest acolyte to you. Even now he has forgotten all his power and glory."

"Babel has lost his brother, Neji. That death far overshadows the loss of the tallest tower to him. Let us go, our people need us."

She laid her hand on his shoulder. The whispering of prayer he heard increased, but something else had his attention.

"Our people?"

"They switch allegiance so often. Why don't we remove the stigma?"

"I do dislike the hypocrites. Our temples will have to be remodeled, buut my followers will easily foot the bill."

Tenten smiled at him in admiration and amusement.

"I knew they had some use."

Neji was lost in thought.

"There will have to be statues of both of us… They must be accurate… How else will they know that I am taller?" Pride demanded.

"Then the idols will stand side by side." Humility smiled at the peculiarity of her opposite.

Neji thought more. _'the prophets will question the sudden closeness.'_

His resolve crystallized.

"You will have to be my bride, it is the only reasonable explanation."

"The word is wife. I will be your _only_ wife. No concubines. No mortal worshippers will have a … visitation."

Neji nodded gravely.

"Such dalliances would be below my dignity."

The deities vanished, building a new order from the dust of a fallen tower.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shikamaru shook his head at his companion.

"You learn, but you do not change."

They walked down a sylvan path, sunlight filtering through the canopy.

"Of course I haven't changed! Such as we do not change."

Shikamaru sighed.

"Yes, we do. It just takes a long, long while."

They walked in silence for a time, Ino fuming, Shikamaru resigned. However, Ino could never stay silent for long.

"So… where are we going again?"

"Remember Atlantis?"

Ino pouted.

"I'm not going to do anything this time. I'll do whatever you say."

"I'm glad, but what I meant to say is that these people are somewhat like them."

"Oh."

Silence reigned once more, then,

"Hey, since you know everything, why didn't you stop me from knocking the tower down? Surely you knew what was going to happen."

Shikamaru smirked slightly.

"It took you this long to realize that?"

Ino was quickly growing irritated at the know-it-all nature of the god beside her.

"Regardless," he continued, "the reason is, I don't know what you will do. When you were answering prayers back home, your blessings made changes in the world that I could then know the effects of. However, around you, I know nothing. Even the air moves in a strange way around you."

"So, you don't know what I'm about to say?"

"I don't. It's the only thing that makes the world slightly interesting.

That seemed to please Ino. Soon enough, the forest ended, and farmland took its place. The goddess's eyes alighted upon a cow grazing in its pen. With a mischievous glance towards her travelling companion, she skipped up to it, easily vaulting the wooden fencing. With all the solemnity she could muster, she placed her hands on the cow's head.

"I hereby consecrate you to be my disciple in this land. Go forth and bring fortune to all."

The cow sniffed her hand and snorted. Ino skipped back to her weary partner.

"Now there are two mysteries for you."

He groaned.

"Nothing good will come of this."

Ino scoffed.

"Like you could know that."

"I don't need to."

A carriage came clattering down the stone pavement, passed them, then turned around and drew alongside. A window opened, revealing the face of a young Roman aristocrat. His blonde hair had obviously been styled at some point, but the young man had just as obviously not tried to preserve it from disarray.

"Salutations, travelers. I see you have a lady of quality, dark man. Would you care to sell her?"

"_Good taste, but poor manners. Let's go Shikamaru."_

He shook his head.

"The lady is offended, Master Naruto. You are too quick in assumption, though that has always been your nature."

Naruto squinted at him confusion.

"Do I know you? Were you a tutor of mine or something?"

A soft voice drifted from the carriage.

"Invite them in dear, they've been too long on the road than befits their station."

Naruto looked back in surprise. With a shrug he turned once more to the two pedestrians.

"Do come in, we've plenty of room."

"But he insulted me!" protested Ino.

"Do you cherish walking that much?" Shikamaru replied.

Ino pouted.

"Alright, but he better keep his hands to himself, or I won't be responsible for what happens."

"Nor I."

Shikamaru said this with a passion Ino hadn't seen for a long time.

The door opened as the carriage came to a full stop, the other occupant was made visible. She was a pale beauty with her black hair piled on top of her head in an elaborate bun.

"Please excuse my husband, he is not quite in control of his mouth."

Ino climbed in, followed by Shikamaru.

"I noticed." She said dryly.

The carriage clattered onward, occasionally winking in and out of existence, each time further down the road, as if in response to the owner's eagerness to arrive. Naruto grinned when it came to a stop.

"Welcome, ye weary travelers, to the City of the Seven Hills. Vespasian left quite a legacy. One can almost forgive him for ruling."

The carriage doors opened before the Coliseum.

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Ino glowed with pleasure, surrounded a she was by countless nobles in their more festive garb. For once she fit in, at least as much as an eagle fits in among hawks. On her arm was Hinata, her soft voice piercing through the roar of the crowd without regard to physics.

"My dear husband loves these little events. I can't deny him them, even though it is such a crass sport."

Naruto pushed through the crowd, dragging a reluctant Shikamaru.

"There's beasts and warriors from everywhere! I hear there will even be a pack of lions!"

"Ah."

They achieved the seats with an efficiency granted by commendable architecture, and the tendency of gods to get what they want despite mortal resistance. Naruto was a restless ball of enthusiasm, explaining to an enraptured Ino, cheering, and pacing with an energy that bordered on the absurd. Through it all, Hinata smiled in serenity and affection. When the trumpets signaled the beginning of the day's games, she summoned her husband to her side with a dignified wave. Her composure was broken by the quick kiss he bestowed upon her fair cheek. Ino nudged Shikamaru, her attention split between the arena and their hosts.

"What a cute couple, neh, Shika?"

He hummed his agreement, then brought his arm to rest across her shoulders. The combatants stood before the Imperial box. As she turned her attention back to the event, Ino caught the last few words they said.

"- about to die, salute you."

The preliminary fights held Naruto's attention well enough, as much as anything can, but Ino was unimpressed. They lacked the threat of death, the test of skill, the horrible desperation of true fighting. Just as she was trying to think of a way around her promise, the fighters bowed to the Emperor's box, then exited the arena. Naruto leaned forward, anticipation written on his face in bold. A troop of Jewish soldiers strode in with the practiced wariness-within-ease of veterans.

"-skilled with knives, so it's like the human version. I think they're from the tribe of Judah, so the match is between the lions of Israel and the lions of Africa!"

Naruto was very proud of his commentary. Ino furrowed her brow.

"What is a lion?"

He sighed, disappointed in his guest's ignorance.

"It'd take to long to explain, besides they're letting them out now."

Ino gasped in surprise as a section of the floor gave way to release the main attraction.

"NOOOO! Don't kill the kitties!"

Shikamaru grabbed her arm, keeping her from rising.

"This is not our land, and theirs are not our customs. Don't interfere."

Then his face turned pale.

"Ino, remember that cow of yours?"

She glared at him.

"Yes, I know she'll probably get killed and eaten."

"No… it's here. And Rome is burning."

The doors to the arena burst open, and the cow thundered in with a terrible fury. Smoke rose behind it, the roaring of flames just barely audible above the noise of the crowd. The cow charged the soldiers, even as the lions escaped into the streets. The divine patrons were kind enough to shuttle Shikamaru and Ino from the burning city.

Hinata wiped a lone tear that rolled down her statuesque cheek. Naruto hefted a stone from one hand to the other, as he scowled upon Rome. The foreign gods stood aside, respecting their grief. Naruto looked at the stone as if he had never seen its like.

"Doesn't burn… Yes, Rome will be rebuilt. But first," he turned to Ino. "As much as we've enjoyed your company, you are too much trouble. I must ask you to leave."

Ino nodded solemnly.

"I understand. But my cow… what is to become of it?"

"Your cow!–"

Hinata laid a hand on his arm.

"I believe the isle of Minos would appreciate it."

The fury died in Naruto's eyes, leaving behind a helpless sort of tenderness for his wife.

"I can never argue with you, can I? Very well."

Almost absently, he waved his hand, banishing the offenders to a dark forest.

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Ino kicked a stone down the road.

"We should get a horse or two."

Shikamaru shook his head.

"Horses are troublesome."

Just then the sound of hooves echoed down the road. Ino looked at Shikamaru questioningly.

"I wasn't aware you could do stuff lie that."

"I can't. It's just two more gods responding to an intrusion."

A knight and lady rode into view, a snake featured prominently on his heraldry. The lady's riding clothes held an unwholesome amount of pink dye.

Ino sighed.

"This is getting old."

"This is only the third time."

As the mounted gods approached, their attire shifted. Plate mail gave way to satin, the helm shrank to a mere cap. The lady's garments drew tighter about the waist, embroidery and lace rimming every edge and joint. The man, obviously a courtier of the highest quality, stopped beside the pair.

"You are a long way from home, whoever you are."

Ino made the introductions. Sakura laid her hand upon Sasuke's arm.

"Come, let's help them out. They are, after all, the same rank as we, more or less."

"Hn. Very well. May I know your destination?"

Ino shrugged.

"King Ferdinand's court, please." Said Shikamaru.

Ino's question was lost in the roaring winds that sprang up as they warped to the Spanish capital.

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Shikamaru strode into the throne with the quiet confidence only prophets and gods have. Ferdinand broke off his conversation at the sight.

"Who are you to gain access to the court so easily?"

Shikamaru bowed.

"Who I am is of no importance. Who comes after will grant Spain much honor and lands. There will be an Italian who will request funding and ships for an expedition to India. I advise you to grant it."

With that, Shikamaru vanished.

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…and reappeared in the stables where Ino tried in vain to buy one of the King's horses.

"We won't need horses for the next leg of our journey."

Ino shushed him.

"I want a horse, and I almost got one. I just have to find a thousand coins or something."

Shikamaru sighed.

"We will be going on a boat. There is no room for a horse."

Ino pouted.

"What's up with you lately? You actually care about where we go now."

"There is an island that I know you'll want to see."

Ino stared at him. Then she smiled.

"That's sweet of you. Alright, we'll go your way."

Giant stone faces stared out to sea, waiting. A row boat emerged from the fog that lay over the waves.

"-boring. This had better be worth it."

"Trust me."

The prow hit the sand.

"Okay, the faces are kinda weird, but not amazing."

Shikamaru held up a hand, putting one finger down every second. When it was a fist, Ino became aware of a terrible roar high above them. The asteroid was nearly as big as the island.

"Um, Shikamaru?"

"Just watch."

The roaring grew louder, and oddly, it seemed to come from the stone heads. The asteroid changed course, now heading for the exact canter of the ring of statues. It slowed down, then stopped, floating and steaming a foot above the ground.

"Wow."

Shikamaru brought her hand gently to the rock's surface.

They sat upon the moon, Shikamaru gazing at Ino in concern, Ino gazing sightlessly at the earth. After what seemed like an eternity, Ino blinked, then embraced him.

"It's been hard on you, hasn't it?" She murmured.

He shrugged, tears falling of their own accord.

"I'd wait another thousand years for you."

Fortune released him and smiled down on the blue orb.

"I'm glad our children are healthy. It was good seeing them again."

Fate put his arm around her shoulders, pulling her close.

"I still say they're troublesome."

She laughed.

"But you love them."

"Yes. I just wish they didn't leave it all up to us."

_AN: If you are wondering, Fortune sort of sealed her memories into that rock, and sent it in such an orbit as to fall on the day she should regain them. Thus she could see what it was like for her children, and to visit them without being recognized._


End file.
